i hate woke boys

gender roles, ‘60s love songs, older men, woke boys, the impossibility of romance (?)

I keep getting recommended these videos of Slavic guys versus Americans, where an interviewer asks if they’d support their wives financially, and the Americans immediately descend into intellectualized excuses, “She’s an adult, it’s 2024, she should be able to support herself, it should be fifty - fifty.” Then it cuts back to a Russian guy, “Yeah, of course. She’s my wife.”

I don’t want to seem overly cynical about current affairs, but, romance in the West seems dead — at best, it’s alive and dying rapidly.

I’m not the most pro-marriage person in the world, I’d love to be able to believe in it wholeheartedly, but I can’t say I do. Still, it seems sort of bleak that somewhere between 80-96% of boomers were married (60% married before they turned 25), and based on current trends, 56% of Gen Z will ever marry.

On Red Scare, Dasha Nekrasova (who recently got married - a wedding that made me completely aesthetically jealous) made the point that marriage is essentially meaningless if you aren’t religious. I agree, in a way, I mean, nonreligious people still crave company and security, but the institution of marriage is religious — there’s nothing that really ties an atheist to feelings of guilt over a divorce.

The romantic in me is almost considering a life of feigned Catholicism just for the sake of romantic possibilities. Devotion and tradition sound heavenly.

Unfortunately, as I understand, you’re a sinner if you enter into marriage without at least being open to children. That’s the main thing that separates me from a trad-wife. (Sorry, I don’t want to fuck up any kids by bringing them into this cruel world).

Someone please let me know if there are any performative Catholic, atheistic, anti-natalist traditionalists out there!

GENDER ROLES & ‘60s LOVE SONGS

This has all been on my mind because I’m writing a fiction piece (a novel, hopefully) that’s set in the seventies, in small-town grotesque and sugary Americana. While writing, I’ve been listening to niche ‘60s and ‘70s songs to get in the mood… this is one of my favourites I came across

A melancholic ‘60s love song about devotion - the chorus is: ‘any way you want me, that’s the way I’m gonna be’, but each verse is a demonstration of typical feminine and masculine roles, exaggerated almost to the point of satirization.

He sings, ‘I’ll be as tall as a mountain” She sings, “I’ll be as small as a bee.”

“I’ll be as wild as a river”, “As gentle as a wind in the trees”

“I’ll be as helpless as a baby”, “As strong as an old oak tree”

I started imagining public opinion if this song had been released today. Tweets about glorifying domestic violence and setting feminism back sixty years, critique of weakness, Substack essays spreading like a plague, never ending invoking of buzzwords, ‘the male gaze’, ‘performative femininity’ ‘insecure masculinity’ ‘perpetuating stereotypes’ ‘patriarchal oppression’ !

I’m sorry, I think it’s a romantic song.

Yes, I agree, girls shouldn’t believe they’re weak or that they need a man to save them — but I loathe the notion that we have to be the exact same. I remember being sixteen and feeling so annoyed when my high school boyfriend and his friends flatly said, “Men are physically stronger than women.” It felt, to me, like if I agreed, my worldview would collapse. No, girls can do anything guys can do! That’s what I’m always told… what would our value be if we were physically weaker?

Men are physically stronger, saying that means absolutely nothing to me now, because we don’t need to be the same. I like the idea of being different, just like with any group of people, it would be so boring if everyone was a cardboard cut out of each other. There’s no reason we should feel pressured to be the same.

THE DADDY ISSUES OF IT ALL

It’s no secret that I’ve become accustomed to dating older men (probably mentioned in every blog post at this point).

It’s not like I have much of a choice! I found Lana too early, romanticize the past too much, blah blah blah. I noticed nothing wrong with the age gap between Harry Dean Stanton and Nastassja Kinski in Paris, Texas. I found out a few minutes ago that he was 34 years older than her… #DONTCARE, he’s hot, so me and my future husband…. I need to rewatch that movie ASAP.

But even if thirteen year old me wasn’t exposed to lyrics where lovers were referred to as ‘my old man’, I think older men would still seem like the easy solution to an impossible problem.

Older men are more traditional (right?). They’re masculine, secure, they’re not afraid that they’ll be called abusive if they take control. They’ll give you your jacket, call you ‘my girl’ or ‘my little girl’ - like Jim Morrison does in every single one of his songs! They’re romantic!

Dating boys my age feels like hanging out with a friend.

Of course, I think of my friends and how they look at me like I’m insane when I describe the things I find romantic, and I wonder if Twitter is right to call me anti-feminist and brainwashed… and maybe they’re right about older men, that they’re no better than boys my age, in fact, they’re worse — they’re perverse and there’s a reason why women their age won’t date them.

God, it’s such a fine line between domination and exploitation. I think back to so many of my relationships with men and I feel sorry for myself, because in the daze of my cravings for dominant and caring love I found myself in dangerous, cruel situations.

They felt like what I wanted. An older man telling you exactly what you can and can’t eat feels so intense, but later, when you look back, you feel disgusted. (yes, that’s a real example, no I won’t elaborate, that story deserves fifty pages alone, but they should probably be released posthumously). You start to think, ‘there isn’t a man in the world strong enough to dominate me without hurting me.’

The more I think of it, that would be real strength, actually. Being classically masculine but not abusive — walking the line of domestic affection without dipping into insecurity or narcissism. Maybe there are guys out there who can find that they have an angel in their hands and not want to destroy her completely. I mean, don’t get me wrong, rough sex is definitely allowed — but only if it’s clear that you actually like women…?

ON WOKE BOYS

I hate woke boys — the pansexual nonbinary polyamorous kind who sleep with thousands of girls and call them all ‘dude’ the morning after. The kind who make you feel like you stepped out of a time machine from the 1940s. The thirty-something year olds who say they’re tapped into their feminine side (but all that means is that they don’t want to do anything for you EVER or take any responsibility for the fact that they’re the older one in the power dynamic). The guy who earnestly believes you’re a bitch if you make one (genuinely funny and harmless) joke at his expense, or that you’re an oppressed bimbo if you crave older romantic traditions in any way.

Being progressive is great and all, and at a certain time in my life I would’ve prided myself on being the most progressive I could possibly be, but I think we’ve started to demonize anything ‘traditional’, as if wanting to be feminine means you’re an idiotic trump supporter. I just want my boyfriend to put his arm around me and make me feel safe while we walk to the movies.

God, honestly, I don’t know where to end this one. Maybe I’ll resort to romanticizing the past, like always. Here’s a photograph from 1978. ‘Clockwork Malibu’ by Anthony Friedkin — one of my favourite photos.

I’m totally framing it and putting it on my wall so I can fantasize about this random surfer anytime a guy I’m with turns out to be an evil incel freak.